I read numerous status updates about enemies posing as friends, haters, frienemies and all sorts. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think some people are unfortunate to have dubious characters around them, particularly if they are young and impressionable. But I wonder if people ever stop to think that they have or get the friends they deserve.
Some years ago I fell out with two people I considered my close friends. It was a painful experience for many reasons and I thought rightly or wrongly that other issues had contributed to the fall out, as opposed to having a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion.
In the heat of the fallout I too cried haters!!! but, when I look back at the dynamics of the friendship I see clearly that I have no reason to feel hard done by. Before the major fallout I had in my heart of hearts stopped being friends with these girls. But for years I had nursed and continued a dysfunctional friendship knowing full well that I wasn’t being true to myself or to them. I had nurtured this friendship because it suited me to hang out socially with these girls and indeed connect on a purely superficial level.
Yes I can point to some mean and vindictive things that were said or done by one person in particular, but honestly what was I to expect when I wasn’t being true to either them or myself. What could I expect when I failed to deal with the problems directly, instead of carrying on and pretending as if nothing was upsetting me. I continued with the friendship because on some level I enjoyed the banter, mischief, manipulation, gossip. This dysfunctional relationship had been nurtured, in part, by me, for years and I was used to it.
So before you point fingers at the haters in your life, look within yourself. Do you have the friends you deserve? Are you true to them or yourself? Have you nurtured a dysfunctional friendship? I’m wise enough to know there is a bit of hater in all of us, we are human after all. I would like to think that I am a better friend as a result of my experiences. If I sense an issue I try harder to raise it early. A lot of times now I listen instead of talking. Sometimes, you can’t control other people’s behaviour, and so if I sense awkwardness I can’t shake, or a sense of unhealthy competition which dominated and plagued the friendship I referred to above, then I will withdraw. I have also learnt that its okay withdrawn from a friendship without announcing your withdrawal. We are not perfect, our friendships are relationships; they can’t be perfect. But all this talk about haters, ore pleaseeeeeeee, check your sef.