I got married almost ten years ago, 10 years this July! I know right, it’s a whole decade. I had been dating my hubby for 6 years so although we celebrate our 10 year anniversary this year we’ve actually been together for 16 years. That’s a long time to be shagging one bloke! common, I know you were thinking it!. This is big girls talk abeg! And this shagging point is an important one which becomes more relevant towards the end of the piece so bear with me.
This whole marriage thing, it’s hard right? The sheer weight of domesticity can wear you down sometimes. And if you are a full time working mom I duff my hat to you. If you have young children and are dealing with school runs, homework, kumon, Au pair drama, mannnn it can be overwhelming right? Let’s not even start with in-laws :), or the peculiar behaviour of men, you get the drift, marriage can be hard work, it can be boring and beautiful and hard!
Nigerian marriages are extra special; I salute the Nigerian woman who is unfortunate enough to be married to a sexist and chauvinistic Nigerian man. As if we haven’t got enough to deal with. And before you all start abusing me or jumping up and down; I have not said all Nigerian men display these traits, just a lot of them! I am talking about the type of man who believes that women have a specific role to play in marriage, and that this role is dictated by her gender. The type of man who believes respect is commanded and certainly not reciprocated. He is the type of man who expects to be cooked for and he isn’t prepared to wash the dishes. In fact if she kneels to serve him I bet he wouldn’t object! Didinrin.
This type of man decides when his wife can be modern e.g she can go out to work; but he decides how her income is spent – Hey listen, I was at a baby shower where one well educated Nigerian woman said her husband expects her to pay her wages into his account and she obliges; she even defended it by quoting the bible! listen I completely appreciate that different things work in different marriages, but what if he drops dead one day?. How is completely disenabling one partner healthy? Anyway, this type of Nigerian man is so up his own ass he is likely to brush aside infidelity as one of those naughty things that men do, but he will cry blue murder if he hears any married woman has had an affair. What really winds me up is when these men assume that women are innately monogamous; that we too never wonder about a bit of variety. That we too don’t want a bit of escapism from the daily routines of cooking for him, our children, the inlaws again! actually sometimes we too want to check out! We do. That’s the honest truth. The only difference is that some women are more disciplined. To all the women i know marriage is special, a great gift, and we think beyond our own instant gratification. Most of us would rather explore the variety within our marriage than jeopardise our family for a flimsy extra marital affair.
When family life gets a bit much we plan girls trips away, and we talk! And once we’ve opened a bottle of wine or three we talk more freely! We talk about sex, all types of sex, we talk about men cheating, women cheating, dirty weekends, and big girls toys. On one occasion I was gobsmacked to learn that I had been dulling! I had no toys! No big girls toys! As my friends talked about rabbits, cockrings and various objects small and large, designed to pleasure, my eyes began to pop!! and there I was thinking my ish was the shit. So I did what any wife would do, I went home and said ” everybody is having better than us SB”, my hubby laughed, we talked, or rather I kept saying ” we need to spice things up, we need to spice things up” . But just as it probably happens in every home we forgot about it, we went back to our familiar sex and all talks about big girls toys were shelved.
Then one day, out of the blue he came home singing ” happy birthday to you daddy buy something for you oh oh oh daddy buy something for you” hi five if you know that tune. I stood smiling “what!!!!” is it a bag!!!! (Typical naija chick!) Nooo it was a rabbit! Now I must admit I didn’t know what to make of it, weeks had passed since our conversation but I really wanted to understand what all my friends were going gaga about. Let’s just say, toys can enhance a good sex life. Now some of you will read this and think for goodness sake! Too much info! I think not. I am writing this piece because I am very aware that as we women get older, we become less visible. The longer we’ve been married; complacency creeps in. It is important for us to remember that even as wives and as busy working moms we are also desirable sexual beings, with our own needs. Sex toys are not for everyone, but if you want to try it go for it, I’m still a bit too shy to rock up into a sexshop! But the Internet is your friend! Otherwise let him go and get it!